wants

I want to live

I want to feel

I want to be

…

I am getting that urge to meander again for a while… its a sad trait of mine that I feel the best in life on the road…

the use and uselessness of will

… I think I am jsut confused and conflicted between what I set forth as my goals and what I find happening in my life. once again I have found an intriguing person and once again there is a lot of strangeness surrounding the situation. The strangeness as a whole isnt that big of a deal more so I dont really want to be dating right now so it has me conflicted with wanting to be hey lets go out and just saying not consistant with my current goals right now.  Though it makes it easy that once again the girl in question has commitment issues, sadly thats been a consistant theme for all but one of my female intrists thust far in my life but I think that is probably better than the ones that are overly gung ho toward commitment… oh well for now I am decided stay the course that I came back to acomplish learn martial arts and now continue to build a usefull skill set from work and save money to go back to school…

A side conversation I had that actually spurred my mind to want to dump those thoughts out was that I have never been set up (I was talkign to someone who always had her friends trying to set her up and how she was always annoyed by it) my response was simply I think it’d be kind of funn I’d be supprised if it went anywhere unless it was actually a good friend setting me up and they had actually put thought into it but its still fun to meet people and do stuff with them.

Thought

I had something clever,

 I had something witty,

 I cant remember,

 what a pitty…

Brain esplode

I go a bit insomniatic sometimes…. I think and overthink sometimes, tonight I was recalling the nights in which I had stayed up with people playing suicide watch.  I have done this several times in my life… I seem to play the role of a stable personality in many peoples lives, but I also seem to attract a lot of misfits into my life.  anyways the point of this blog is diffrent than an exploration of my friend set, or the ways in which I relate to other or even the ways in which I have influenced and been influenced by otheres in life…

Tonight in the middle of this insomniatic spree I took the time to pester one of my aquaitences online.  This was one of the most intriguing conversations I have had probably ever; it seems I actually know someone with a simmilar personality, pagadigme, and action set as myself… this is most intriguing.

Internet fame?

I know these people… not sure if thats good or not but still

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_n8TAiBv1c

500 days of summer

coincidence its all anything ever really is… is one of the latter narations in the movie.  as a whole it looks at relationships from the perspective of the hot and cold kind, of the infatuation, of the uncertanity, hopefull, and regretfull.  it made me reflect yet again and run parelles in my own mind of my own relationship experiences.

(I know we’ve all done it) in the movie there is a parell scent where an expected scenaro and a reality scenaro run side by side.  how many times have we planned out an eveing only to have it run completly diffrent, sometimes for the better or for the worse…

I know this is a crappy review but you can deal with it overall I think the movie had some compellign atributes and if you’ve ever had at least one crazy relationship it’s probably a good film to watch (save your not in that whiny little bitch phase of life sucks and everythign hurts, then of course it’ll suck and hurt to watch) HA…

thinking

I dont really care much for drama ( I dont think many peopel do really, but lives sure do seem to be full of it) I also seem to do rather well when dealing with it, or most anything else really.  but back to my original thought I dont really care much for drama and do what I can to avoid it but it seemes to find me rather well.  so much so that I really do wonder if its just me who deals with all this crazystuff in life or if everyone goes through the same things.  I’ve dealt with several peopel who’ve attempted suicide, people who have suffered various kinds of rape, I’ve had long and short relationships, one that was good enough where we talked seriously about marrage, traveled to over a dozen countrys and soo to be all 50 states, lived in a forgin country, been assualted on several occoasions, been sucessfull at almost everythign tha tI’ve seriously applied myself to, given CPR to someone who was dying, heald close friends who have had a multitude of disorders and problems ranging from bipolar, severe clynical depression, alacholism, drug addiction, had teh experience of knowign somone before and after a series of shock treatments (the effects are not nice), been part of a team that built a 30 ft rocket (yes I’ve made many jokes aobut rocket scientists, and no rocket science isnt as difficult as most make it out to be). I could easily continue with this list probably enough such taht I could fill 3-5 pages of good and bad things that I’ve gone through in my life all of which are extraordanary… these are some of the things that have been on my mind as of late and it occutred to me as I was driving home from a friends after spending the night learnign and playing cribbage

I thought to myself about the places i’ve been teh thigns i’ve done and the things that I will do I thought of relationships and what I’ve had and where i’ll likely go (i’ll touch more on this in a little bit) and that for all the extradoranary thigns I suppsoe it really shouldnt be a supprise that my experiences with women have been nothing shy of all the other extraordinary thigns I’ve done and taken part in throguhout my life.

so to touch back on the relationship thign.  I moved back to Logan with the expectation that I would not really be dating and thus far I havent (actually its been over a year since I’ve gone on a date.. there was a hook up with a girl a month ago that I would have dated but she didnt want to which is cool).  I am finding this to be more difficult that I would like.  I have yet to really decide if its that I’m getting older or that my age is on the upper side fo the single population for the town or if I just cant find girls with similar life experiences or goals or that I now live in a place where there are so few potental matches that I find the situation a bit unerving… and its been a lot of in and out of this blog but one other thing that I figured I’d write about was I was going to be set up with a girl up until it was advised against if you looked through my latter postings I believe I wrote about her she is the girls arm who I dislocated when I first met her  (she is pretty cool I have actually ran into her a couple of times since) the main reaon this has been called off is as I was informedshe was taught by her grandma that her goal in life was to get knocked up by a rich buy so that she would be taken care of.. appaently she has taken this to heard and thus has a bit of issues with the whole dating thing (I am not sure if its good or not but one of my first thougths upon hearing that was “oh all anyone has to do to get laid is play the part of the rich kid… though they might want to worry about sabatoged condoms” )

eh life… I do love it so and for all I’ve been “some say with age that a purpose come clear, I see the opposite happening here”

pregnat women… for rent

I was having a conversation with one of my pregnant friedns today about men who have a fetish attraction to women and I told her that I spisificaly had a friend who had such a fetish and that I gave him a hard time about it.  her response was that she could accomidate him… interisting but I suppose its not my choice and her partner is cool with it

Psychics and cofffee

Today I met for the second time a woman who is supposed to have a strong psychic prowess… upon meeting her she told me a few things and they are sticking in my mind a bit; she told me that I shouldn’t be so guarded except of my energy, to keep watch of that so that others don’t latch onto it and leach it (not her exact words but fairly close)  she told me that I was the youngest soul she had met in a long time (this is the most prevalent on my mind most say I am an older soul…) and she also told me that I shouldn’t nessicarally take people at their word and that there are many deceivers out there.

She talked about some other things as well, the others which I won’t mention pertained to relationships; I won’t go into those but they were more accurate than a lot of her other things (aside from the parts where she ran along my potential/undecided homosexuality) …I am strongly guarded especially when I first meet someone so I wonder if that’s just what she was running into.

Gossip conversations…

C: gossip? (work or home)
 me: neither really
 C: (family)
 me: na friends
 C: (pets)
 me: lol, yea pets
 C your moms dogs hate you
me: how did you guess

… also I had a weird experience I ran into a girl whom I adore; that I aside from a stellar connection and over 7 months spent hanging out on a regular basis we never dated largly in part of her being religous and me not.  she’s now married and preggers strange.