A thought begins of a night spent in laughter games that ended with great effort and a slow caress of blond hair, but the story doesnt start with the thought
a story begins on a late winters night as a couple watches a movie, they no longer sit next to one and other for time spent apart has grown a wedge and what is left is nothing more than an old habit that has refused to sever. I sat on the couch not really paying attention to the movie but talking to another online instead. the movie ended and the girl i was watching it with said you should fuck her you know (this was said in earnest and openly, not with bitterness or recourse. it was that kind of relationship that we we had) I simply said it wouldnt end that way… that that path would end up where she didnt want. she didnt understand and just said again “I’d fuck her but you said she’s not into girls so I’m out but that doesnt mean you cant have fun”
we are not all gifted enough to wake up next to someone for over a year with the feeling of this is a woman with whom I could gladly spend a life. sadly there was a problem, we all have a history and come with strange baggage. it was one morning after a night filled with long conversation about the pain and misunderstanding that I woke up and smiled at what I had once again. I walked home and made a phone call, it went much the same as the rest. I didnt end up home till about 5 hours later when my phone’s battery was nearly dead. I had exhausted my mental resolve once again and fell deeper into what was becoming a harder situation for me, I had tried for a long time to move on but the guilt of what was attempted every time weighed heavy on me. it’s hard to say we had a nice five years thanks and to have a phone call from a hospital the next morning as someone failed to cope… the weakness I feel was my own for I couldnt turn a blind eye to someone I had cared for so long and given so much to… A month ago and it finally worked she had moved on and it was over, a week of a strange attitude with my new devotion, a day and it was all over. the ultimate fallacy I feel was my inability to open up and communicate what I was trying to do as it was painful for me and I dont express emotions well.
it was a two moth fling she exemplified all the things that a red head should be the firey passion and the manners to match. she walked into my life and a quick bond was formed. I ignored all the signs of things being wrong to protect my already fragile mental state. two months later she had disappeared all together, a month after that she reappeared saying she was now engaged to the boy she had ben with the whole time. I wasnt surprised by then to learn I was just the distraction from her own problems.
It was around this same time that I met a beautiful blond girl, all we ever did was laugh. she was smart in her own way that made one question if she was a stereotypical blond. after several months we grew closer together and I resisted though we spoke openly about an astranged affection. she had a god and I had my own ideas. (enter a random fling with a belly dance instructor in which jealousy rises on an outside part, and the fling ended as flings do) we took a trip and spent the week cuddling, our time was growing towards an end and still we had nothing aside from from soft touch and time spent in laughter and philosophical conversation. it was the last night I saw her as we had grown accustom to we were up till 3 in morning in just a few days I was to leave the country to chase a dream I had a long long time ago… we stood in what would have been a movie esk kind of a scene where I held her for a long time we pulled back from each other, I brushed her golden white hair aside and her eyes slid closed… I couldnt help myself it was the hardest thing I have ever resisted I simply hugged her one last time and said I’ll miss you babe.
this is where my thought began. I went on and I chased my dream I found a lot of things in life I had been missing out on and discovered why a part of my heart belongs in Ireland. I traveled more of the world yet again in less than a year than most will do in there life. I can say that I sill regret nothing for if everything had not gone the way it had I would not be where I am today I would not have played in the places I have played I would not have met the people I have met and I would still likely be as inept at communication as I once was. I would have still placed the same importance as I once had. I wouldnt have learned the value of being alone, or the value of having someone. I can live with either and can only hope that if I end up with someone that they are as worthwhile for having as I am. cause I’m quite the catch.
this song has been stuck in my head probably a bit inspirational as I was listening to it while I wrote this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_a5xON9hO64&feature=related